May 21st, 2012
I decided to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and me. That period tested everything our relationship was about and everything it would be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong, but strength can only last so long.
Part I
Not many friends or extended family are aware that Mimie and I had a miscarriage in between the pregnancies of the twin girls and Nico. We kept it private because we felt a curse had been imposed on our relationship and our lives.
We gave ourselves less than a year to recover from the loss and burial of Gabriella and Sophia. I don't know why we tried to get pregnant so soon after their loss. Maybe it was because we wanted to fill the void in our hearts that we couldn't heal no matter what kind of counseling we went to.
Day in and day out, we walked among the living like zombies. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn't fill our souls with life. It was better to feel dead inside than to appreciate another day we were given on this earth.
Everything we did reminded us of the children that we lost. We drove a mini-van that we got when we traded in our small SUV, which was empty like our hearts. The second bedroom was set up as the girl's nursery, which sat behind a locked door, unoccupied. White sheets adorned the double cribs on either side of the room. They were filled to the top with all the girl's baby clothes we received during our baby shower. Disney pictures from our favorite movies were beautifully framed and hung on the walls, but no one could see them. No laughter to be heard. No baby cries or giggles, no lullabies, and most certainly, no pitter-patter of little feet. We were in hell.
Everything made us unhappy.
After her body healed from her c-section, we thought we could reverse the heaviness of losing our daughters by having another child to expedite our recovery. She got the okay from her doctor to try again. Our lovemaking seemed more like a vocation to redemption than procreation. But our love for one another never waned, and our purpose was the personification of lovemaking.
Months of trying eventually led to the two words we wanted to hear.
"I'm pregnant", Mimie said. Her face beams with a large smile.
"What?" I asked. I stared at her. I was scared, nervous, and happy all at once. She caught me off guard because I had just returned from a long twelve-hour shift. I was still barely out of my police uniform when she told me.
"Baby, I missed my period. I didn't want to tell you, but it's been over a week. I can feel it within me. I am pregnant. But I need a pregnancy test to be sure!" she said enthusiastically. The most she has shown since the loss of the twins.
Mimie didn't have to tell me a third time. I left immediately, still dressed in my police "blue" uniform.
Walking briskly, I got into my police car and went to the local pharmacy to pick out a pregnancy test. I arrived at Walgreens, a local pharmacy and convenience store.
I could barely contain my walk as I entered through the store doors. If I ran, curious on-lookers would have been frightened by the sight of a police officer running full speed into the business. I asked the clerk where I could find the pregnancy tests. She politely told me, "By the condoms, aisle twelve."
With all the patrons staring at me, I think she did that on purpose; I hurriedly made my way to aisle twelve.
If you haven't searched for a pregnancy test lately, I can tell you it is a very daunting task. The variety is more extensive than the selection of condoms strategically placed right next to them, just as the young clerk had told me.
"Which one do I choose," I say, looking at the neatly stocked boxes on the shelf.
"First Response: Rapid Results," fast response? Don't you just pee on it?
"Clear Blue Easy," aren't they all easy.
"Fact Plus. When you want the facts."
"Fast and Easy" is generic and sounds good to me.
So many to choose from. Where the hell is the convenience in this? I select the Fast and Easy tester. Did they mean the brand or the user?
I get in line to purchase the baby tester. "You found them," the cashier says with a smile. "Yup, aisle twelve, right where you said they'd be." Without delay, I paid for my purchase, got in my police car, and drove away.
I drove straight home. I was tempted to return to the house with my lights and sirens. I was so excited about the idea of being a dad.
I turn the car down my block and approach my house, "Okay, Chris," I think to myself as I breathe in deep, expanding my chest. I exhale, "She could just be late and not pregnant. Pace yourself ." I prepare myself for the worst.
I pulled my police car in its usual spot in the swale, close to the street. I could barely back off from my enthusiasm.
I exited my police car and slowly walked towards the front door. My excitement turned into fear. I wanted to enjoy the moment just in case the moment would end when I walked through that door.
My foot leaves the grassy area of the swale and touches the concrete sidewalk. I take small steps at first as I begin my journey up the center walkway that runs through my front yard and leads to the mailbox by the street. My steps extend to medium-sized ones, then larger ones, until I can barely contain myself and find myself walking quickly. Almost a sprint to the front door.
I extend my arm towards the outside door handle. I didn't want to break my stride but realized my right hand was empty. I stop in my tracks. I raise my left arm, looking at my left hand, and see it's empty, too. I stand on my front porch, staring at the door.
"Shit, I forgot the pregnancy test in the car."
After returning to the car and retrieving the pregnancy "stick," I returned to the house and calmly walked in the front door; I sought out Mimie immediately.
"Mimie, I'm home," I announce out loud as I stand in the living room. This time, with the prized pregnancy test in my hand.
"I'm in the bathroom waiting," She said muffledly.
Our master bedroom is towards the back of the house. If you don't speak loud enough, your voice won't be amplified to travel through our bedroom, down the long stretching hallway, and into the living room area.
I hurriedly walked towards her low voice, which I could hear calling me from our bedroom. I head down the long hallway, open the plastic bag, and remove the box containing the answer to what we've longed for: a pregnancy. After I pull it out of the white Walgreens shopping bag, I release the bag from my grasp. The plastic parachute falls towards the ground like leaves from a tree. My momentum is too fast for the slow-moving object, and my waist collides with it.
The plastic container clings to the front of my pants at the crotch level before air pushes it down between my legs and forces it into the opposite direction that I'm traveling in. I leave the plastic bag in my dust as it floats aimlessly behind me into the rest of the house.
I reach the bedroom and rush in through the partially closed door. I quickly turn, making a beeline right to the bathroom.
I tear the top tab of the box that contains not one but two pregnancy tests. Once the top was off, I disregarded it to the ground. My knee hits the little cardboard flap, and it disappears somewhere under the bed. I pull one of the two testers out of the box. Tossing the box with the extra tester in it on top of the bed. Our queen pillow top mattress softens the bounce and lands on the cozy comforter. I remove the tester from the sterile packaging as I reach the bathroom door.
"You're already on the toilet," I ask Mimie, surprised.
She was sitting on the throne. Her pajama bottoms are down around her ankles. She had her elbows on her knees. Her forearms were extended up. Her hands were balled up like fists and tucked under her chin.
"Yes," Mimie said in a very mellow tone. She is staring at the small beige 2" x 2" tile squares covering the entire floor's square footage.
"Babe, what's wrong?" her melancholy concerned me.
She raises her head up slightly. She uses only her eyes to gaze up at me.
"What If I'm not pregnant, you know. Maybe our only chance to have kids was lost with the twins."
I could feel her concern rattle my insides. Her words cut through me like a knife. But I understood her fear. I am living it with her.
I immediately bend over and place my right arm around her shoulders. I pull her torso into me as her face tucks in under my neck.
"It doesn't matter what happens with this test. There's always time. Just breathe." I leaned back and looked into her eyes. All the while, my arms never let go of our embrace.
I reach out with my left hand, sliding it in between our bodies, and offer her the stick, "I think you just have to pee on it." I said with a grin. I managed to get a smile out of her.
1,596 words
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